Everything is sacred...

Today God put an end to a pain that has been haunting me for over two years. No, that pain was not Sam (ha ha ha!); his leaving today is definitely a sad thing. Happy for him though, so I guess that's okay. Anyway, I have been suffering from something for over two years, as I said. It was pain brought about by my own neglect and selfishness, and I fell into relational bondage. I have been paying for it for a while. Well, recently God said to me, "That's enough. You've learned. Time to remove the thorn."

Now think about it: if you take a thorn or a splinter out of your skin, it hurts coming out. Well, this past week, I experienced more pain than I thought I could bear. It put a terrible strain on my fiance. At the time, I actually thought I was relapsing into the stuggles of depression and relational dependence that I had experienced a few years ago. However, after a few days of intense pain, there was this sense of freedom. It was in a worship service at church. I never thought that I could feel so liberated through worship.

There was some weird stuff that happened that day that related to the incident. After some time of self-pity and a deep conversation with my fiance, I was able to feel a peace about what had happened. It seemed like it was almost over. Then the next day, I received my bible in my CPO. This was weird, cuz it was an incredibly important bible to me. I received it when I was saved in high school, and when one of the people involved in the incident was struggling spiritually, it was lent to them. After two years, I got it back. This was another sign that something needed to be done. So I emailed the person who had it, and thanked them for it. I didn't expect any response. But I got one. Yesterday night I talked with Amanda, a dear friend of mine who has stuck by me through everything that I have gone through in the past three years, and she said that it seemed like a sign from God that it was almost done. She told me that she had been praying for closure.

Well, this morning after Evangelism class, I was reading my Doctrines homework. In the chapter on communion, there was a section on the need to keep unity in the body. I realized that for about 6 months I have been taking communion without fixing the disunity between those believers I had encountered years ago. I say only 6 months because 6 months ago they started attending the same church I do. I know that the body is more than the people that walk into the same building I do, but repentance and forgiveness to other believers is easier to do before communion if the people involved do attend the same place you do. But I had been ignoring it. Part of me wanted them to repent to me. I'm not sure that that will ever happen. I don't expect it to.

Anyway, after reading that section on communion, I emailed one of the people involved and asked them to forgive me for everything that I had done. I also asked them to share it with the others involved. I'm not going to go into any more detail about the situation, but I will say that I have yet to hear back from them. I don't necessarily expect to. I know that I feel even more liberated than I did Sunday at worship. God is in the process of removing the effects of sin. I want to quote something written by Beth Moore. As I've mentioned before, I've been going through the study When Godly People do Ungodly Things: Arming Yourself in the Age of Seduction. It is something that describes me. I can't reproduce the whole thing; I could get sued. But here's a little bit. There's a little bit of context, and where I am is italicized. The speaker of the monologue has just been talking about getting her leg caught in a trap. "The infection is gone. He (God) put something on it and cleaned it up instantly...I don't know how much to trust Him yet. I've never known Him from this side. My leg still hurts. God says it will heal with time. But I fear I will always walk with a limp."

I am healing. The pain is going away. But the effects of my screw up will never go away. And in a way, I'm glad. God has brought so many good qualities out in me since then. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else. But He's changed me, and is still changing me, for the better. Through the situation I can see that I am closer to where He wants me to be. Just recently (prolly Sunday) I learned how to REALLY worship. My prayer life is growing. My confidence is growing. I make more of an effort to be positive each day. I can now take constructive criticism!!! For those of you who know me well, that's a BIG step. I hate being told what to do or how to do it! I am a different person today than I was yesterday. My prayer is that I allow God to continue this work in me. I know I'll have my days where I slip. But the plan is to not make that day EVERY day.

God's peace to everyone! Praise Him for all the abundant works that He does for each of us daily!! Praise Him for the number of blessings He pours out on us moment by moment!! I love you all. BYE!