Alone with my thoughts...

I had a lot of time to just think today. I spent a large portion of the afternoon shampooing the carpet in Conlan's room. As I mentioned, my mom comes tomorrow, and she is allergic to Oscar. I figured she'd be spending a lot of time on Conlan's floor playing, so I cleaned his carpet. Anyway, I spent a lot of time thinking about my past. This isn't something I like to do. I've made some pretty stupid mistakes in my life, and too often I reflect on those mistakes, wondering what life would be like if I hadn't made them.

The thing that sticks out the most is that I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband. One of my biggest mistakes in college led me right to Jonathan. It was almost two years before we got to know each other, but that initial meeting always had an impact. Unfortunately, I often tear myself down. I'm unwilling to forgive myself for my mistakes, even though they are behind me. I'll think that I'm finally completely over them, but then I find myself beating myself up again whenever I have time to think. There's one line in a David Crowder song that I try to think of in times like this. It's just a song, but it's true. He says, "You make everything glorious," repeats that a few times, and then says, almost as a footnote, "So what does that make me?" Strange. But true.

That led my thoughts to a verse. 2 Timothy 3:13 says, "if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." This verse has meant so much to me. I don't have faith in God to release me from my past. I choose to lick my wounds and not let them heal. Even when I think everything's finally okay, I allow myself to dwell on what might have been, when God has given me everything I could possibly hoped for! I have the most beautiful family, did you know that? I have an amazing husband, who works hard to provide, who looks at me every morning with stars in his eyes, who kisses my forehead softly when we lay down to sleep. I have a fantastic child, who doubles over with uncontrolable laughter when you tickle him, who chases after the dog because he loves to play, who greets you enthusiastically with "Hi!" when you pick him up in the morning. My heart melts each and every day.

I am holding tight to the promise that I can get over my self pity and once again understand God's faithfulness. I haven't been faithful. But He has. I have some song lyrics that came into my head while cleaning. Anyone remember Jennifer Knapp? I know it's been a while, but I still find her an incredible song writer. I used to love singing this song. I haven't sung it for a long time. Anyway, it's called Faithful to Me.

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I have recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away
Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen
And reaching out my weary hand
I pray that You'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like storms to the sea
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly
For a faith to be faithful to me
Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen
And reaching out my weary hand
I pray that You'd understand
You're the only one who's faithful to me
You're the only one who's faithful to me

God bless.