Well, I am having trouble sleeping again. Part of the reason in the tennis ball that is growing inside my abdomen. I can't sleep comfortably on my stomach anymore, and it's the only way I sleep.
Another reason is my racing mind. I have been thinking a lot lately about the heartache that friends are experiencing, and I find myself feeling slightly guilty for currently going through a healthy pregnancy. Granted, six months ago I was on that end of things. My heart was aching. In fact, my heart still aches. But it makes me sad knowing that there is not much I can do. I can, however, pray. It was not until I lost our last baby that I fully understood the power of a praying friend. My desire is to ease the pain of those who are currently in mourning by prayer. God is in control; He is sovereign. And in cases when all seems lost, He is the hope that all is not as the world tells us. God can turn a bad situation around; He does not always choose to do so, but He can.
My other thoughts return to my previous post. I feel like my words were misunderstood somewhat. I need to go back and read it again when I'm a little more coherent. I am not discontent with the life that I lead. However, I feel like God has called me to grad school. That may not be the case, and I may never go, but it's something engrained inside of me; it's part of my personality. Someday I think I would love to teach church history (really biblical history, but I'm not so sure how much that's actually offered) at the college level. I could teach for an online program, and my part time work wouldn't interfere much with my daily life. This, of course, is a perfect scenario. Jonathan wants to go back to grad school as well. Someday, we may make it. We may not. But the desire to learn is something God has put into me, whether I go through formal training or not. The desire to think has been stifled by my choices alone-tv instead of a book. Staying home instead of free admission day at the museum. Computer games instead of enjoying the beautiful outdoors. I just need to make different choices.
I love my life. But there is so much more I am created to experience. I am simply resolving to live life more completely and intentionally. Who wants to float through life aimlessly when it's created to be an adventure? I'm not going to go jumping off of cliffs now, but I am going to look at what's around me in a completely different way. The everyday does not have to be mundane. I don't intend it to be anymore.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Not Sleeping
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5 comments:
Our church small groups are getting ready to start The Truth Project from Focus on the Family website Brenton and I are both really excited about it. Reminds us both of a college class. I'm looking forward to the mental stimulation.
I'm proud of you Kelly! It's amazing how the choices we make in life can have a difference. Being intentional about change is always brave (in my opinion).
never settle
love you!
p.s. I always wanted to go to graduate school and never thought I would but here I am! Perhaps it will be the same for you and Jonathan :-)
I'm with Jo -- intentionally changing anything is quite brave. Let us know how it goes!
Hey, I *want* you to be happy. *I* want to be happy when I'm pregnant! I understand, though. You know, I think your mind and body is just plain not itself while it's forming a baby! I remember at certain points feeling paranoid that everyone hated me....and that's just silly. I want to hear more about your take on the missing 500 yrs of Jewish history!
I'm not trying to be brave, though I appreciate your comments. I'm just sick of floating aimlessly through my days. Leigh, I know you want me to be happy. But I remember being there, and trying not to cry when pregnant women walked by, which they seemed to every second. Of course, I didn't feel that way about my friends who were pregnant, but still. As for the history, we need to find a way to get together and talk about it sometime. :)
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